The Career Chase

I am sitting here oceans away from reality, yet I was unable to hide from the ghosts of confusion, fear and sometimes despair that I have regretfully found in a small down town office in London. It is only the devotion I have to my family that keeps me chained to my current position. And my boss knows it. My dreams however lie in the world of words, of books, of literature and I long to have the right to do nothing but nurture my dreams.

I very often believe I’ll find the path to these dreams at the bottom of a biscuit tin, crisp packet and more often than not a box of Maltesers. I have not found it yet but it is definitely not for the want of trying. What I do find however is additional self disapproval and disappointment.  Unfortunately, this does not stop me in my continuous search and like those cereal boxes I loved as a child, I am lured into believing that surely the lucky prize is at the bottom of THIS box? The trouble is the longer I do not find something, the harder I look for it.

My dreams will have to stay just that. My dreams. Dreams do not put bread on the table. They do not build a home. In pursuing them, they just bring hope and hope is a dangerous thing. Hope is fickle and will be your friend one day and leave you the next. Dreams, however are always there. My dream of becoming a writer has not left me since I was a young child and I trust them to continue being there and in my darkest days will be the lights that shine through the fog, albeit for a short time. Maybe that is what they are for. Maybe all dreams are not meant to be realised.

With enforced distance between myself and reality, I was hoping to somehow find a new path out of the dark tunnel that is my career. As if I could somehow, on the other side of the world, look down and see the hidden doors and passageways to the exit and pursued purpose in life. Sitting here now staring at the night lights of a Canadian city, the path has become clear. And no matter how much I fight it, I have no choice but to follow this path.

I no longer respect my job, but I respect the need for the job. I have come to realise that at this time of my life, the time before I become a mother, I will have no career. With summer drawing to a close, I can relish in the words of Marilyn Monroe: ‘A career is wonderful, but you can’t curl up with it on a cold night’.


2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. grandmac
    Aug 19, 2010 @ 18:06:00

    That is so true!
    A career does not make you a nice person, it does not mean you are better than other people. It is nice to have a career to satisfy yourself, but it is not necessary in making a good life for yourself and your family. A job is the most many of us have to settle for, and if you do that job to the best of your ability you can get a sort of satisfaction from that.


  2. alphabetgames
    Aug 20, 2010 @ 15:01:12

    Thank you for your encouraging words!


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